Why am I so tired? I can feel the day dripping off me like hot wax, oscillating before it hits the ground. Everything is moving in slow motion. My eye lids feel like they weigh 2lbs each. My mind is slow and droopy--which I have to say, is kind of nice. Karina (and other thoughts not as lovely) keep moving through me like waves, I feel her in different parts of my body--which is also kind of nice. I'm about to float up to the top of campus right now. I'm charging my ipod so I have a soundtrack to this stupor I'm in. I'll probably float through the rest of today until I realize it's tomorrow. Like a bubble made of silicon, fuzzy from the inside, impenetrable from the outside. Don't try to get in, not today. Today I'm switched off.

mow

There's yellow post-its and black pens on my desk, looking like a bumble bees cacophony of studious dribbles. All I want to do is watch The Holy Mountain that Rachel let me borrow, and get high, of course. Stoney Stoney McStoney. But I shall study a bit more like a good little Bailey.

9am Neurolinguistics Final tomorrow-- shoot me in the head. I've been studying for 7 hrs straight and I still feel like failing is a possibility. How disconcerting. That's a good word: disconcerting.

dracula and buddha

the fear is setting in
i didn't want to get here
i don't think i can take
another fall.
vulnerability at its best
right now
right now i'm yours
i'm the world's
i'm his i'm hers
i'm an open target
to be taken out.
i didn't want to get here
but i am
totally
powerless
to
love.
i will be crushed by this
at some point
not tonight though
so let's drink to that

depends and car seats

I'm waiting for Rachel to come smoke a bowl with me. What should I be doing? Homework, of course.

I had a random moment of bliss today. It happened on the 17. These old ladies were so amazing. I don't want to share the details, it's impossible to put into words anyway.

"After my divorce, I traveled all over the world... and my daughter, she's never been out of the country til now. She's visiting her boyfriend in Chili. She felt bad for not being here for mother's day and I begged her to go. I told her that she better stick with this man b/c he'll show her the world."

"Let's hope that's all he shows her."

Haha. They were so alive, it was beautiful.

And the other day, I walking down Holloway and there was a little girl--like 8 or 9-- and she was sitting in the passenger seat of a car. I walked by and she was waving. I waved back and she got this huge smile on her face and started waving even bigger like she had been sitting there bored out of her mind, just waiting and wanting someone to wave back. I swear I smiled all the way home.

I love random moments of bliss.

something clever

It's 1:45am and I'm wide awake. I feel bad for typing while Karina and Jen are trying to sleep, but I feel like I would just be laying in my bed going crazy, wishing I were writing down everything I'd be thinking... and thus prolonging the sleep process even further into the morning.

I long to hold you in my arms
you're right there
i should:
snatch you up and hold you tight
this could be the last night
that our hearts align like this
but i am:
drowning in my own thoughts
secretly, of course.
thinking about the men that i hate
like i always do before my period.
i've been hurt so deeply by them though.
thinking about joe and tati
doing what i want to be doing
and how safe it is to feel safe.
thinking about drifting away
slowly into the night
up holloway
to the moon.
thinking about not wanting to think at all
thinking about your fingers
inside my four, screaming pink walls
fuck me til i can't think about anything at all
til my mind is fuzzy
and I laugh- as I inevitably will.
is that how you'll remember me in 42 years
when you're happily committed?
and how will i remember you?
will i hate you every time I PMS?
how many women will I date after you?
and how many of them will hurt
just as deeply as those men have?

finnleyism

I feel so raw right now. I wish I could write like Karen Finnely. Sometimes I feel so numb I think I'm dead. Pretending like this doesn't exist is only making it worse. There's this annoying and penetrating and sharp sadness in me. It's not going away. I'm beginning to think it's been there all along, and I contracted it from my mother when I was inside her belly. My father is an easy excuse, perhaps even a legit one... so is every bad thing that's ever happened in whole universe-- genocide, female circumcision, AIDS.

Same old song. Sing a new song birdy.

I feel like I'm self-sabotaging right now. Everything. Without my executive functioning's permission ie my pre-frontal lobe. Maybe if I drop out of school and get dumped and fired, I'll be able to sit in China, under a bodhi tree and write as well as Karen Finnely.

I was thinking during english class tonight several things:
1. Career paths: SLP, AuD, Marine Biologist, Dive Master, Art Teacher, Novella/Poet, Foster Parent, Drug Dealer, Healer, Psychic, mother. Maybe in that order.
2. What shape does anything abstract take?
3. "I could not stop for Death, so he kindly stopped for me"
4. I wish my name was Tiger Lily.
5. I've been a shit.
6. The American Vain: being poisoned by the White Man's sugar
7. I love her, I don't want her stomach to turn. I don't want it to turn...
8. Anal sex.
9. She's going to dump me tonight.
10. "What is an Indian?" A good time seeped in the tears of many ancestral culture-makers.

tequila and wine

Last night was silly.

ew

i
want
to
hibernate

traditional profile

Last month in this apartment is going to go by fast. I'm feeling good about the change. Finals first though, gotta get through finals. I don't know how my grades will look when the semester is over, but I'll be really pissed if I get any Cs.

Jen and Tati are moving back to OC... Tot just for the summer probably. Then Skeez will be here and a whole new adventure will begin. Kinda excited to live with Taren, I meet with the Landlady tomorrow and everything should fall into place pretty quickly. I've never been this broke before, but it's all good. I feel like it's worth it.

I guess I owe it to myself to finish out the semester well. I can do it. I have a lot to do tomorrow, but today is for fun. Karina and I laid around all morning doing cute strange things and sexy things. Then we watched Bad Education with Rachel, and now we're headed to Jess and Ashley's for dinner.

My mom thought that I wanted a sex change. I think that's pretty absurd of her to think, but it was funny.

Liz mind fucked me the other night. I don't know how to feel about it. I suck at feelings. All I know is that there's a strange new weirdness within me that she put there.

dope o mean

Vicki and her Brentwood friends are in the living room. I was about to fall into a nice slumber and I woke up to a voice that reminded me of High School. That one girl is really cute though. I don't know her name, but she's been here a few times. I like her snake bites. She wears them well. But shit, they have the lamest conversations! I hung around for a blunt then slipped back into my room. Thanks brotha.

Stoney.

Sleepy.

I would like to get my neurotransmitter levels evaluated, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about that and I was too scared to ask Flo b/c I didn't want everyone to know I'm crazy. I already shared to everyone that I have ADHD today, and I don't need to go all out.

It would make sense that I have a depletion of Dopamine in my Frontal Lobe, but I've always had this conviction that I don't have ADHD. I was adamant about it, actually. I was so reluctant and embarrassed about having to write 'Ritalin' on every questionnaire/record-- List any medications child is taking. By the time I got into High School, I was begging my mom to not make me put it down on my basketball records haha. That's when I switched to Concerta just b/c it wasn't Ritalin. No one that knows about ADHD really knows about Concerta or Dexedrine, they know Ritalin or Adderal. Anyway, whenever someone would ask me if I had ADHD, I would say no and I would believe it.

But now, looking back, I can remember going to several psychiatrists and having pretty extensive testing done. I'm sure it was hard for my parents to accept too. I just assumed I was a statistic-- over diagnosed.

I just got really irritated at the thought of 2 awesome books on ADHD I bought in High School. I didn't really understand them completely when I was 17, but after taking this neuro class, I'm sure I could comprehend it. Shannon Rodriguez never gave them back to me after she asked to borrow them. I knew I shouldn't have lent them to her b/c she was a tweeker, but she was smart and I thought she was bring them back. I'd be all over those books right now if I still had them. I should go to the library...

Anyway, I don't want to go through my mom to figure out how I can get this sort of evaluation done-- in terms of insurance coverage and our HMO plan-- so this will be more than a task of self-awareness, it will be a task of self-sufficiency. I have the strongest urge to not be dependent upon them for anything.


I'm drinking a Pabst right now. I just thought of Bre. She had a period of time she went through--mabye still going through?-- where all she liked to do is drink whiskey and write. I've been writing daily for 2 years now, but for some reason it seems different outside of a journal. It feels more like art. I only have 2 followers, but still haha...

bath time with elmo

I just turned down the light really dimly on my computer screen. My current atmosphere and mind set do not call for bright lights. That would be painful at this point. Cat Power seeping in from the living room, a single candle burning in here... Karina laying still and sleepy in my bed.

We just made the love.

My brother left about 2 hours ago, only to have his flight canceled. He gets a free hotel room for the night though, and he said he might invite Taren to stay. But I think Taren is going to be asleep. Poor girl was vomiting all over Delores Park today. Too much alcohol, not enough H to the O. There's a lesson learned somewhere in there for her, so that's good..? Don't drink 30 beers in one day, even if they are all free.

Her and Sean were kind of precious this weekend. Frockling around in an innocent swirl of giggles and kisses. It was interesting to see my brother with someone other than Andrea. He's still a bleeding wound, dripping invisible blood footprints behind him as he walks forward in a strange and new life without her.

I've been there, and I don't ever want to have to start life over like that again. Change is good, but not when I had to rebuild my entire world b/c in an instant it was turned completely upside down by someone everyone hated but I loved more than will ever make sense to me. I will say, I've rebuilt it pretty well. And I've learned a lot. I will never let someone hurt me like that again, that's for sure. I'm sure Sean feels the same way.

What happened to me is not my fault. What happened to me is not my fault.

11:21

I'm sitting at my desk waiting for 11:21 to put my laundry in the dryer. Karina is sleeping in my bed. I wish I could be asleep right now. I feel the need to be productive and/or introspective though, so sleep would contradict that.

Sean arrives around noon at SFO. I'm so excited to see him. I have all these strange fears that something will go wrong and we'll fight like we used to. But we are much more mature now. Everything is different. It will be a great visit, I'm sure. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself right now. Why?

Jen is playing cheesy 80's songs right now as she's preparing for her newest love interest's arrival. A sex date, really. But there will be laughter, cuddles, and some serious eye contact I'm sure. I'm sure. What am I so sure of?

"Which way should we go?"
-"Whichever way has less cerumen."

I have a bit of craziness going on in my head right now. Burger King just popped into my head. I hate that place. I just realized it's b/c Well how can I forget you girl when there is always something there to remind me? is playing off Jen's computer now. Why does this remind me of Burger King? They got me, those Bastards.

Last night was crazy. Karina almost fingered my MILF crush. And then we came home and fucked for hours in a drunken love frenzy. We bought a new dildo. We bought it (correction: I bought it, Karina lost her ATM card) in the middle of a beautiful afternoon involving Ikes sandwhiches, people watching, and sun bathing in Delores Park. We do cute things sometimes. It's not always getting fucked up and fucking.

Tati hates us. Just kidding. But really. I would too if it wasn't me.

5 more mintues til 11:21.

Today we're going to Jess' Life Cyle fundraising party at their beautiful house... which I will not be living in, by the way b/c of unspoken paranoia or threats or something?... anway, we're going to meet up with Sean and then head over to Jess and Ashley's. Should be a really good time. I hope everyone loves Sean.

I'm going to go put my clothes in the dryer now. Maybe I'll put my mind in there too.

feel me

I busted through my essay pretty well. I feel like I have my school groove back. I dig.

I feel bad about some shit I didn't convey very well to Karina yesterday. I want to tell her that I'm so into her and that she's the only one I want to be with.

So many different things flash into my consciousness when I think of that word, that awful word. Love: tiger eyes, the breeze, my ex bf, tall grass, Africa, the color of blood, fear, pain, my father, my mother, the rain, friends, whale spouts, fantasies of future love potentials, Zane, camping, dancing, SF, the ocean, paint on my hands, dirt on the bottoms of my feet, wine, holding her hand, laying in the grass wrapped in her arms or at the beach entangled just right, trees, my journal, my potential, my brother, sea turtles, random moments of bliss, sour grass...

Love? Love is untouchable. It's arbitrary, symbolic, and subjective.

Place your hand on my heart and feel it skip a beat when you look into my eyes. That's tangible.

We're on the same page.

sucking the dick of the cal state system

I've been up for 12 hours and it's only 6:45. I can honestly say I've been pretty productive the entire 12 hours.

I have to take summer school... and that is a huge bummer. I didn't realize that even with my CD units, segment III units, and english 214 units, I STILL need some elective units. Guh... I'll probably take Sign Language and/or Art. Anyway, I have to take summer school and 15 units each semester next year to graduate. Goodbye life.

Segment III chosen cluster: human sexuality. Whatever.

$1,200 for 3 units. Rape. I was just raped. Variations in Human Sexuality better be a very informative class.

Oh, and I lost my senior priority registration unless I can somehow take a JEPIT equilivant at another Cal State by Fall. And it's not like I just get to register as a Junior, I have to register last. That's really fucked up.

I had a nice quiet bowl to myself at 4:20.

decisions

I've kind of been productive today. I'm trying to study, but it's difficult, like always. I'm tripping out on a lot things right now. I feel like I'm good. I'm fine. I've made a lot of decisions that have led me to be in a much better environment than I was in in OC, and I'm proud of that. A lot of people will stay in chaos b/c that's all they know. I'm glad I'm not one of those people. Granted, I've essentially decided to move to SF to become an alcoholic and a stoner, and to fuck women. But my life is seeped in meaning. I'm studying to become a person who helps people for a living, I work with Zane now. I'm fucking someone that I actually care about. Maybe soon I'll decided to not be an alcoholic haha. I've already decided not to do one self-destructive thing recently, it makes sense that more good decisions might follow.

Thinking of the past and thinking of myself and how I was in past friendships and relationships trips me out. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember why I've decided to leave certain parts of myself in the past. Then I'll have moments of clarity and I'll realize it's all to become my maxium potential. I don't need to feel like I was a bad person b/c I've never been a bad person, really. I've learned and I've grown. That's it.

And the sadness within me right now is okay too. It'll remind me of what I want, it will keep me grounded and realistic. It's okay that I don't feel completely satisfied with my life and that I crave more and need more. I'll get to where I wanna be, one step at a time.

First step: neurolingusitics.

snap the fuck out of it

Sigh...

I'm refusing to study for neuro... I really shouldn't be rebelling against this task... I mean, what will Flo think? I wish I could just sink away from all my responsibilities for awhile. And by a while, I don't mean a weekend. A year would be nice. Hiking in Africa, working with children with cleft palates... teaching english in Japan, scuba diving in New Guinea, meeting a french woman to share a bit of my life with...

I should'nt be complaining, I have nothing to complain about really. The worst part of my life is 465 mies away and not even on speaking terms. That's good. I have a fucking awesome life here. I love my program (minus the homework, obviously), I love my job, I love my friends, I love my girlfriend. Why can't I just kick back and enjoy it all? Enjoy this Bailey!

This sadness is really frustrating. I feel like if I could just cry, that that would make me feel so much better. Guh, how I long for a good cry. A sob... oh my my, a sob sounds great.

Instead I just stare numbly at my neurolingusitics study guides that Michele kindly gave to me. Even with my study time cut in half, I can't do it. Haha, and that Simpler Times in the fridge is lookin' real real good. Maybe if I get drunk, I'll be more motivated to study..? "Oh little Bailey..."

I feel like the weather today is very parallel to my emotional state.

Over it. Sadness, please go away, or at least allow yourself to manifest into tears so I can release and be gone with you. Thanks.

At least I still have a sense of humor and a wet vagina.

Why?

I feel like this blog is too emo. All I do is complain about my daddy issues.

Lame.

one fell swoop

I'm sitting in my bed listening to Fleet Foxes, wondering why I spent the weekend getting fucked up instead of getting caught up in school. Procrastination is getting the best of me at the moment. And all the partying... I'm tired, really tired. My body and mind.

Last night was great. I think I'm allergic to salmon. But that's okay, it tasted too meaty. Now, that No Chicken Chicken from Trader Joes is amazing. Liz was wearing a yellow shirt last night, I love when she wears a bit of color. It was like her celebration shirt or something, it was cute. Ash and Jess had silent arguments all night that only Vicki and I picked up on. Tati had a smile on her face the whole night, could have been b/c she ate a shroomie. Kelly was a nice addition to the evening. Taren and Jen have all kinds of tension b/t them, I think they need to mud tussle. I was super wasted. We played Janga. We missed Karina. I vaguely remember a drunken giggly phone call b/t her and I. Fucking cute.

It was a good weekend, but I'm crashing from it all right now. Can't seem to get out of this bed. Can't seem to stop clenching my teeth. Just want to hibernate for the day. I think I will do just that actually. And get up to have dinner with Kaia, and then meet up with Karina. Sounds like a plan. Maybe I'll do some homework. Read. I already attempted to paint... it came out kinda strangely. Or maybe that's just the kind of mood I'm in and I'll wake up tomorrow and think it's good.

I'm so glad my class was cancelled this morning.

A smile just crept up on my face because I get to see Karina later :)

i think i love you too

Before I begin my planned day of productivity, I want to spill my guts a bit.

Yesterday was magical, as is any day involving a psychedelic adventure with good friends. I saw things I didn't ask to see, and I felt things 400 miles away.

My heart was cracked open, bleeding all over me and spilling onto the grass. It almost made me cry to think of how I feel about Karina. I feel so vulnerable. I trust her. I've never trusted anyone I was in a relationship with before because I've never trusted a guy before. It's beautiful.

I see Ashley pulling away and Jess trying to hold on. It's sad. I didn't ask to see it so clearly.

Ashley and I connected a lot yesterday mostly b/c we were the only ones shrooming. We talked initmately, we cuddled, we laughed. It's nice to have an excuse to break down our walls and be able to connect without all the bullshit. And it's all so different now, compared to the first time we shroomed togther.

I'm not worried about possibly living with them. The worst that could happen is they break up and move out. I want that room. I need to talk to Cesar. Ughhhh, my own room to do whatever I want in. Sleep undisturbed, masturbate, fuck, whatever. Sounds amazing.

OH and Slack Lining is my new favorite thing. Who knew tight rope walking could be so thrilling and spiritual? I fucking loved it.

k bye

Tati's birthday is today, happy birthday friend.

El Rio in my bed

i wake up to your sheet wrinkled face
i kiss the sleep away
and roll through the day
on a wave of entanglement:
crystal blues and freckles
butterflies and wet vaginas

But Karina is out of town and I woke up to a hangover today. Oh well. I'm going to have a beautiful day anyway. I'm pretty determined to.

hello kitty

When I was with Zane yesterday, I was looking at Dan and Kelli's bookshelf and a memory of my dad popped into my head without permission. Him reading Hemingway's The Winter of My Discontent to me. I also remembered him reading The Hobbit to me when I was really young. Another memory: him randomly coming home and giving me a really nice copy of The Little Princess. I guess we had a book thing, him and I. Books and writing, really. These are the only two things I can remember ever connecting us in a some tender way.

One christmas, I decided to put some thought into his gift. I was trying to be nice I guess. I went to boarders and read the back of about 20 science fiction novels. Something I remember hearing about my dad is that he started a novel of his own about these astronauts who come across life on a different planet. Anyway, that kind of stuck with me and that's why I ended up at boarders reading the backs of strange books. I picked one and wrapped it. He never read it. I remember coming home from somewhere and him reading one of the Harry Potter books. I guess the point is, I did try that one time.

I want to tell him he should read the book I got him and maybe that will inspire him to finish his novel. Maybe I'll tell him this when I'm ready to. Maybe we can re-connect over books or something. Here dad, read Full Frontal Feminism and I'll read one of yours. It seems like it could be a decent way to get to know the guy, and for him to get to know me b/c I have no fucking clue who he is outside of his anger. I know his anger better than anyone in the world, I'd like to know something better than that.

1 message recieved

I have to keep telling myself you're okay, you're really okay. Let go. Love yourself, it's what you want. Love Karina. Let her see how beautiful you are.

I have arrived.
I am home
In the here,
In the now.
I am solid.
I am free.
In the ultimate
I dwell.

nonverbal communication

soul moaning

hello i'm special

Adrian told me today, "You look better. Not that you looked bad before." It's true. I feel so much better about everything.

The black veil is lifting and light is rushing in. Thank you Earth for your guidance! I just needed to get out of my head for a day and just encompass myself in something profound and natural. I needed to stack rocks and challange myself with a long, rigorous hike. I needed old friends. I needed the redwoods and the ocean. I needed those deer, the whales, the snakes, the quail, the stink bugs, the tipi. And I really needed that river crossing... without that river crossing I wouldn't have realized just how over cutting I truly am.

Strangely, it seems I can only gain this kind of clarity and perspective during times of someone else's tragedy. It started with Sean and Andrea's break-up, but that wasn't quite enough to snap me out of it (and by 'it' I mean the wirlwind of black energy that I've been letting consume me for the past 6 months). Then Karina's friend... the Yang to the Yin of the weekend. That was enough.

I just need to remember these thoughts somehow. Maybe I can just appreciate it in the abstract. In a bird's wing or a breeze.. or something.

Now I need to figure out how to forgive the SpiritStomper. I think it's time I stop wasting so much engery on him.

really though

Karina is so cute.

your shortness is endearing

I was in class, listening to Rachel interrupt Patti for the 100th time when I got the feeling she was in a bad way. I know she went down South last week for spring break, she just seemed off today. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I needed to leave class early to finish my essay for my class that I have in 20 minutes. Anyway, I was thinking about Rachel when I realized I was having trouble breathing. It felt like a huge weight was on my chest. Then everything started to smell weird. I got up to leave, tripped over something and fell. Everyone laughed a bit... I just walked out. Still couldn't catch my breath and now I was shaking... although it could've been the caffeine or the fall/embarrassment. Whatever it was, it mostly dissolved with a warm shower. Strange feeling though.

eh

i'm hollowing
deep within the caves
carving up and out
get the fuck out!
get the fuck out...
i'm hollowing just to make room to breathe
to maybe free myself from this empty
from this broken
girl
rotting
in pools of broken empty
in swamps of bloody
in oceans of scream!
i'm hollowing so not to drown
in this
girl's
rot.
i'm hallowing into sun
into star
into somewhere so far away

a droopy mind for a droopy morning

I'm sitting here trying to start my paper for Patti's class, but of course I'm distracted and mentally all over the place. I feel like fireworks are going off in my head... some thoughts brighter than others, some kind of painful to look at, some thrilling and amazing. The first week we moved up here, we went to a 4th of July party in Noe Valley and throughout the night, I'd see fireworks and I loved that they weren't the fucking Disneyland fireworks I could see from my bedroom window at my parent's house every night at 9:35 pm in shapes of hearts and cubes and stars and mickey mouse ears. They were illegal fireworks probably purchased somewhere in China town, and they were just what I needed at that particular moment in time. They were exactly what I needed, it was almost spiritual, which is strange considering I'm talking about fireworks I know, but that's the only word to describe it really. It was a beautiful, quiet moment I had all to myself that I tucked inside my pocket and kept forever.

But now, Bailey, right now. How did my mind go there? How am I going to write this paper when my mind keeps wandering to and fro, lollygagging about in a continuous daydreaming state of bright colors and even brighter emotions? Stop thinking about fireworks, stop thinking about laundry, stop thinking about Bjork, stop thinking about how beautiful it is outside and how I wish Karina and I were at the beach falling asleep under a marvelous sun-drenched 60s flower print cotton sheet, our warm bodies entangled in the simplest of ways... stop thinking and write your goddamn paper.

fleeting my fox

I can't control time. I'm not in the now. I'm in the past, I'm in the future, I'm astro-projecting into the cosmos, I'm scuba diving on land, I'm falling into the abyss. I need more Zen in my life. I should start practicing again. I should do it for myself. There was a time in my life, I was very in the now. I got there through pain. It makes sense to me that happiness would throw me out of balance... all these transitions I'm going through-- OC to SF, straight to queer, single to in a relationship, sad to happy. I feel like I need a coming out party or something... some kind of ritual/ceremony to represent all this change in my life.

I've decided that even though I'm scared of getting hurt, I want this. It feels too right to not see it through, to not give her my heart.

damn the torpedoes full steam ahead!

Okay, so maybe I'm not falling in love, although it did feel like it at that particular moment in time... and don't forget the 4 saki bombs, bottle of red, and two cosmopolitans. All I really know is that I like her and I like that she's my first girlfriend. This doesn't need to get heavy, it really doesn't. Sex, smile, wine, trip, sex, sun-soaked cocoon blanket, snuggles, wet, Margaret Cho, sex me up but hold my hand... type of thing. Sounds good to me.

I can hear Gustavo and Estabon scurrying in the walls

It's so beautiful outside right now...

Jess, Ash, Liz, Karina, Tati, and I are going to have one of our ritual dinner sessions. I'm thinking about having some chicken. It's free range organic... and I can't think of a good enough reason not to indulge once in a while.

Plenty of plenty around today. In all forms. My heart is happy and my bones are smiling.

Can you get me off your mind?

So I ditched phonetics this fine, beautiful morning. I felt like laying in my sun soaked bed wrapped up in my blanket cocoon with the chill air circulating all around instead. It's blissful... Tegan and Sara playing in the background: "I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me and I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me...don't you worry, there's still time." True, to some degree.

I had a dream that Tati and I were stuck in an airport in a country where war had just broke out. We got separated, I was terrified. I told myself to wake up. Then I kissed Karina's forehead and felt better.

Infatuation is distracting when I have flashes throughout the day of her cute smile and her curly hair and her moan and her beautiful 1750s painting-esque naked body. Oh my my... Butterflies and wet vaginas. Hmmm... I could write a poem called that.

I'm calling my dad at 8:15 pm tomorrow. Let's hope the SpiritStomper doesn't come out.

your perfect verse is just a lie...

"Hey kiddo, haven't talked to you in a few months... hope everything is good... call me back if you get a chance, if you want." I don't want. I'm so tired of pretending. It's exhausting, and I would really like to, I don' know, actually express how I feel toward him for once? I want to tell him I have so much fucking anger that if I allow myself to think about it, the anger will manifest into river coming out of my eyes and I will start drowning. I don't have time for THAT. So instead, I'll say that everything is fine... doing well in school... work is good...

Maybe someday I'll refuse to keep the rouge going, but not today. I just hope he doesn't say 'I love you' at the end of the conversation... I might vomit.

learn something new everyday

For example: strap-ons are neat.

if you liked it, then you shoulda put a pickle on it

She makes my bed. I am falling into the abyss.

I am, I am, I am.

The SpiritStomper has been on my mind a lot lately. Every time something good happens, he creeps up in my head with his snarly face and barks.

Okay, I'm going to go get an impulsive eye brow piercing now. Why not? And then I'm going to study for my midterm on Wednesday.

Beware the Ides of March

My life for the past two years has been in a constant state of transition. It's impossible for anything to be permanent. I don't know why I really believed my last relationship would last forever, it just seems stupid now.

This move has been really good for me, even the year I spent in OC before I moved was really good for me... but I still don't know who I am and I seem to constantly forget my worth. I'm beginning to believe I'm okay... that I'm not going to crash and burn like he said I would. Like he still thinks I'm going to. He's in my head all the time and I'm that little girl running to the bathroom, my heart beating so fucking hard it closes off my larynx and I can't breathe and why was the bathroom the only door with a lock on it? But I'm okay. I hate when he calls me, even when he dials me accidently and hangs up on the second ring. It makes me forget I'm okay.

SF is beautiful even without the SpiritStomper not being here. This has nothing to do with him. In SF, the SpiritStomper is just a black balloon floating above the clouds and I can only see it if I look and focus on it. SF is mine. And I've been learning lots of neat things about myself. For example, I like to eat pussy. Who knew? Wrap your legs around my head and throw your neck back in bliss and I'm a happy woman. I'm a nerd, didn't know that either. I like learning about anatomy and neurology. From the little mitochondrian and nodes of ranvier to the complexites of the cerebellum and the pulmanary surfacant in the alveolar pits of the lungs. I like that I know that a brain freeze is really Sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia. I've learned that I'm only happy when I'm doing something that matters, that I have a thing for girls with red hair and freckles, that I can smoke insane amounts of weed and drink insane amounts of wine and beer and occasionally drop out on acid or shrooms and still keep a job, good grades, a clean room, and a sex/love life. SF has been really good for me.

Where was I going with all of this? Transitions...

Right now I feel like I'm on top of a forresty mountain looking down at something that looks beautiful and scary and intense. She said let's like kick back under a tree and smoke a bowl, that we don't have to dive in, but I know we already have.