Beware the Ides of March

My life for the past two years has been in a constant state of transition. It's impossible for anything to be permanent. I don't know why I really believed my last relationship would last forever, it just seems stupid now.

This move has been really good for me, even the year I spent in OC before I moved was really good for me... but I still don't know who I am and I seem to constantly forget my worth. I'm beginning to believe I'm okay... that I'm not going to crash and burn like he said I would. Like he still thinks I'm going to. He's in my head all the time and I'm that little girl running to the bathroom, my heart beating so fucking hard it closes off my larynx and I can't breathe and why was the bathroom the only door with a lock on it? But I'm okay. I hate when he calls me, even when he dials me accidently and hangs up on the second ring. It makes me forget I'm okay.

SF is beautiful even without the SpiritStomper not being here. This has nothing to do with him. In SF, the SpiritStomper is just a black balloon floating above the clouds and I can only see it if I look and focus on it. SF is mine. And I've been learning lots of neat things about myself. For example, I like to eat pussy. Who knew? Wrap your legs around my head and throw your neck back in bliss and I'm a happy woman. I'm a nerd, didn't know that either. I like learning about anatomy and neurology. From the little mitochondrian and nodes of ranvier to the complexites of the cerebellum and the pulmanary surfacant in the alveolar pits of the lungs. I like that I know that a brain freeze is really Sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia. I've learned that I'm only happy when I'm doing something that matters, that I have a thing for girls with red hair and freckles, that I can smoke insane amounts of weed and drink insane amounts of wine and beer and occasionally drop out on acid or shrooms and still keep a job, good grades, a clean room, and a sex/love life. SF has been really good for me.

Where was I going with all of this? Transitions...

Right now I feel like I'm on top of a forresty mountain looking down at something that looks beautiful and scary and intense. She said let's like kick back under a tree and smoke a bowl, that we don't have to dive in, but I know we already have.