dope o mean

Vicki and her Brentwood friends are in the living room. I was about to fall into a nice slumber and I woke up to a voice that reminded me of High School. That one girl is really cute though. I don't know her name, but she's been here a few times. I like her snake bites. She wears them well. But shit, they have the lamest conversations! I hung around for a blunt then slipped back into my room. Thanks brotha.

Stoney.

Sleepy.

I would like to get my neurotransmitter levels evaluated, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about that and I was too scared to ask Flo b/c I didn't want everyone to know I'm crazy. I already shared to everyone that I have ADHD today, and I don't need to go all out.

It would make sense that I have a depletion of Dopamine in my Frontal Lobe, but I've always had this conviction that I don't have ADHD. I was adamant about it, actually. I was so reluctant and embarrassed about having to write 'Ritalin' on every questionnaire/record-- List any medications child is taking. By the time I got into High School, I was begging my mom to not make me put it down on my basketball records haha. That's when I switched to Concerta just b/c it wasn't Ritalin. No one that knows about ADHD really knows about Concerta or Dexedrine, they know Ritalin or Adderal. Anyway, whenever someone would ask me if I had ADHD, I would say no and I would believe it.

But now, looking back, I can remember going to several psychiatrists and having pretty extensive testing done. I'm sure it was hard for my parents to accept too. I just assumed I was a statistic-- over diagnosed.

I just got really irritated at the thought of 2 awesome books on ADHD I bought in High School. I didn't really understand them completely when I was 17, but after taking this neuro class, I'm sure I could comprehend it. Shannon Rodriguez never gave them back to me after she asked to borrow them. I knew I shouldn't have lent them to her b/c she was a tweeker, but she was smart and I thought she was bring them back. I'd be all over those books right now if I still had them. I should go to the library...

Anyway, I don't want to go through my mom to figure out how I can get this sort of evaluation done-- in terms of insurance coverage and our HMO plan-- so this will be more than a task of self-awareness, it will be a task of self-sufficiency. I have the strongest urge to not be dependent upon them for anything.


I'm drinking a Pabst right now. I just thought of Bre. She had a period of time she went through--mabye still going through?-- where all she liked to do is drink whiskey and write. I've been writing daily for 2 years now, but for some reason it seems different outside of a journal. It feels more like art. I only have 2 followers, but still haha...