dope o mean

Vicki and her Brentwood friends are in the living room. I was about to fall into a nice slumber and I woke up to a voice that reminded me of High School. That one girl is really cute though. I don't know her name, but she's been here a few times. I like her snake bites. She wears them well. But shit, they have the lamest conversations! I hung around for a blunt then slipped back into my room. Thanks brotha.

Stoney.

Sleepy.

I would like to get my neurotransmitter levels evaluated, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about that and I was too scared to ask Flo b/c I didn't want everyone to know I'm crazy. I already shared to everyone that I have ADHD today, and I don't need to go all out.

It would make sense that I have a depletion of Dopamine in my Frontal Lobe, but I've always had this conviction that I don't have ADHD. I was adamant about it, actually. I was so reluctant and embarrassed about having to write 'Ritalin' on every questionnaire/record-- List any medications child is taking. By the time I got into High School, I was begging my mom to not make me put it down on my basketball records haha. That's when I switched to Concerta just b/c it wasn't Ritalin. No one that knows about ADHD really knows about Concerta or Dexedrine, they know Ritalin or Adderal. Anyway, whenever someone would ask me if I had ADHD, I would say no and I would believe it.

But now, looking back, I can remember going to several psychiatrists and having pretty extensive testing done. I'm sure it was hard for my parents to accept too. I just assumed I was a statistic-- over diagnosed.

I just got really irritated at the thought of 2 awesome books on ADHD I bought in High School. I didn't really understand them completely when I was 17, but after taking this neuro class, I'm sure I could comprehend it. Shannon Rodriguez never gave them back to me after she asked to borrow them. I knew I shouldn't have lent them to her b/c she was a tweeker, but she was smart and I thought she was bring them back. I'd be all over those books right now if I still had them. I should go to the library...

Anyway, I don't want to go through my mom to figure out how I can get this sort of evaluation done-- in terms of insurance coverage and our HMO plan-- so this will be more than a task of self-awareness, it will be a task of self-sufficiency. I have the strongest urge to not be dependent upon them for anything.


I'm drinking a Pabst right now. I just thought of Bre. She had a period of time she went through--mabye still going through?-- where all she liked to do is drink whiskey and write. I've been writing daily for 2 years now, but for some reason it seems different outside of a journal. It feels more like art. I only have 2 followers, but still haha...

bath time with elmo

I just turned down the light really dimly on my computer screen. My current atmosphere and mind set do not call for bright lights. That would be painful at this point. Cat Power seeping in from the living room, a single candle burning in here... Karina laying still and sleepy in my bed.

We just made the love.

My brother left about 2 hours ago, only to have his flight canceled. He gets a free hotel room for the night though, and he said he might invite Taren to stay. But I think Taren is going to be asleep. Poor girl was vomiting all over Delores Park today. Too much alcohol, not enough H to the O. There's a lesson learned somewhere in there for her, so that's good..? Don't drink 30 beers in one day, even if they are all free.

Her and Sean were kind of precious this weekend. Frockling around in an innocent swirl of giggles and kisses. It was interesting to see my brother with someone other than Andrea. He's still a bleeding wound, dripping invisible blood footprints behind him as he walks forward in a strange and new life without her.

I've been there, and I don't ever want to have to start life over like that again. Change is good, but not when I had to rebuild my entire world b/c in an instant it was turned completely upside down by someone everyone hated but I loved more than will ever make sense to me. I will say, I've rebuilt it pretty well. And I've learned a lot. I will never let someone hurt me like that again, that's for sure. I'm sure Sean feels the same way.

What happened to me is not my fault. What happened to me is not my fault.

11:21

I'm sitting at my desk waiting for 11:21 to put my laundry in the dryer. Karina is sleeping in my bed. I wish I could be asleep right now. I feel the need to be productive and/or introspective though, so sleep would contradict that.

Sean arrives around noon at SFO. I'm so excited to see him. I have all these strange fears that something will go wrong and we'll fight like we used to. But we are much more mature now. Everything is different. It will be a great visit, I'm sure. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself right now. Why?

Jen is playing cheesy 80's songs right now as she's preparing for her newest love interest's arrival. A sex date, really. But there will be laughter, cuddles, and some serious eye contact I'm sure. I'm sure. What am I so sure of?

"Which way should we go?"
-"Whichever way has less cerumen."

I have a bit of craziness going on in my head right now. Burger King just popped into my head. I hate that place. I just realized it's b/c Well how can I forget you girl when there is always something there to remind me? is playing off Jen's computer now. Why does this remind me of Burger King? They got me, those Bastards.

Last night was crazy. Karina almost fingered my MILF crush. And then we came home and fucked for hours in a drunken love frenzy. We bought a new dildo. We bought it (correction: I bought it, Karina lost her ATM card) in the middle of a beautiful afternoon involving Ikes sandwhiches, people watching, and sun bathing in Delores Park. We do cute things sometimes. It's not always getting fucked up and fucking.

Tati hates us. Just kidding. But really. I would too if it wasn't me.

5 more mintues til 11:21.

Today we're going to Jess' Life Cyle fundraising party at their beautiful house... which I will not be living in, by the way b/c of unspoken paranoia or threats or something?... anway, we're going to meet up with Sean and then head over to Jess and Ashley's. Should be a really good time. I hope everyone loves Sean.

I'm going to go put my clothes in the dryer now. Maybe I'll put my mind in there too.

feel me

I busted through my essay pretty well. I feel like I have my school groove back. I dig.

I feel bad about some shit I didn't convey very well to Karina yesterday. I want to tell her that I'm so into her and that she's the only one I want to be with.

So many different things flash into my consciousness when I think of that word, that awful word. Love: tiger eyes, the breeze, my ex bf, tall grass, Africa, the color of blood, fear, pain, my father, my mother, the rain, friends, whale spouts, fantasies of future love potentials, Zane, camping, dancing, SF, the ocean, paint on my hands, dirt on the bottoms of my feet, wine, holding her hand, laying in the grass wrapped in her arms or at the beach entangled just right, trees, my journal, my potential, my brother, sea turtles, random moments of bliss, sour grass...

Love? Love is untouchable. It's arbitrary, symbolic, and subjective.

Place your hand on my heart and feel it skip a beat when you look into my eyes. That's tangible.

We're on the same page.

sucking the dick of the cal state system

I've been up for 12 hours and it's only 6:45. I can honestly say I've been pretty productive the entire 12 hours.

I have to take summer school... and that is a huge bummer. I didn't realize that even with my CD units, segment III units, and english 214 units, I STILL need some elective units. Guh... I'll probably take Sign Language and/or Art. Anyway, I have to take summer school and 15 units each semester next year to graduate. Goodbye life.

Segment III chosen cluster: human sexuality. Whatever.

$1,200 for 3 units. Rape. I was just raped. Variations in Human Sexuality better be a very informative class.

Oh, and I lost my senior priority registration unless I can somehow take a JEPIT equilivant at another Cal State by Fall. And it's not like I just get to register as a Junior, I have to register last. That's really fucked up.

I had a nice quiet bowl to myself at 4:20.

decisions

I've kind of been productive today. I'm trying to study, but it's difficult, like always. I'm tripping out on a lot things right now. I feel like I'm good. I'm fine. I've made a lot of decisions that have led me to be in a much better environment than I was in in OC, and I'm proud of that. A lot of people will stay in chaos b/c that's all they know. I'm glad I'm not one of those people. Granted, I've essentially decided to move to SF to become an alcoholic and a stoner, and to fuck women. But my life is seeped in meaning. I'm studying to become a person who helps people for a living, I work with Zane now. I'm fucking someone that I actually care about. Maybe soon I'll decided to not be an alcoholic haha. I've already decided not to do one self-destructive thing recently, it makes sense that more good decisions might follow.

Thinking of the past and thinking of myself and how I was in past friendships and relationships trips me out. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember why I've decided to leave certain parts of myself in the past. Then I'll have moments of clarity and I'll realize it's all to become my maxium potential. I don't need to feel like I was a bad person b/c I've never been a bad person, really. I've learned and I've grown. That's it.

And the sadness within me right now is okay too. It'll remind me of what I want, it will keep me grounded and realistic. It's okay that I don't feel completely satisfied with my life and that I crave more and need more. I'll get to where I wanna be, one step at a time.

First step: neurolingusitics.

snap the fuck out of it

Sigh...

I'm refusing to study for neuro... I really shouldn't be rebelling against this task... I mean, what will Flo think? I wish I could just sink away from all my responsibilities for awhile. And by a while, I don't mean a weekend. A year would be nice. Hiking in Africa, working with children with cleft palates... teaching english in Japan, scuba diving in New Guinea, meeting a french woman to share a bit of my life with...

I should'nt be complaining, I have nothing to complain about really. The worst part of my life is 465 mies away and not even on speaking terms. That's good. I have a fucking awesome life here. I love my program (minus the homework, obviously), I love my job, I love my friends, I love my girlfriend. Why can't I just kick back and enjoy it all? Enjoy this Bailey!

This sadness is really frustrating. I feel like if I could just cry, that that would make me feel so much better. Guh, how I long for a good cry. A sob... oh my my, a sob sounds great.

Instead I just stare numbly at my neurolingusitics study guides that Michele kindly gave to me. Even with my study time cut in half, I can't do it. Haha, and that Simpler Times in the fridge is lookin' real real good. Maybe if I get drunk, I'll be more motivated to study..? "Oh little Bailey..."

I feel like the weather today is very parallel to my emotional state.

Over it. Sadness, please go away, or at least allow yourself to manifest into tears so I can release and be gone with you. Thanks.

At least I still have a sense of humor and a wet vagina.

Why?

I feel like this blog is too emo. All I do is complain about my daddy issues.

Lame.

one fell swoop

I'm sitting in my bed listening to Fleet Foxes, wondering why I spent the weekend getting fucked up instead of getting caught up in school. Procrastination is getting the best of me at the moment. And all the partying... I'm tired, really tired. My body and mind.

Last night was great. I think I'm allergic to salmon. But that's okay, it tasted too meaty. Now, that No Chicken Chicken from Trader Joes is amazing. Liz was wearing a yellow shirt last night, I love when she wears a bit of color. It was like her celebration shirt or something, it was cute. Ash and Jess had silent arguments all night that only Vicki and I picked up on. Tati had a smile on her face the whole night, could have been b/c she ate a shroomie. Kelly was a nice addition to the evening. Taren and Jen have all kinds of tension b/t them, I think they need to mud tussle. I was super wasted. We played Janga. We missed Karina. I vaguely remember a drunken giggly phone call b/t her and I. Fucking cute.

It was a good weekend, but I'm crashing from it all right now. Can't seem to get out of this bed. Can't seem to stop clenching my teeth. Just want to hibernate for the day. I think I will do just that actually. And get up to have dinner with Kaia, and then meet up with Karina. Sounds like a plan. Maybe I'll do some homework. Read. I already attempted to paint... it came out kinda strangely. Or maybe that's just the kind of mood I'm in and I'll wake up tomorrow and think it's good.

I'm so glad my class was cancelled this morning.

A smile just crept up on my face because I get to see Karina later :)

i think i love you too

Before I begin my planned day of productivity, I want to spill my guts a bit.

Yesterday was magical, as is any day involving a psychedelic adventure with good friends. I saw things I didn't ask to see, and I felt things 400 miles away.

My heart was cracked open, bleeding all over me and spilling onto the grass. It almost made me cry to think of how I feel about Karina. I feel so vulnerable. I trust her. I've never trusted anyone I was in a relationship with before because I've never trusted a guy before. It's beautiful.

I see Ashley pulling away and Jess trying to hold on. It's sad. I didn't ask to see it so clearly.

Ashley and I connected a lot yesterday mostly b/c we were the only ones shrooming. We talked initmately, we cuddled, we laughed. It's nice to have an excuse to break down our walls and be able to connect without all the bullshit. And it's all so different now, compared to the first time we shroomed togther.

I'm not worried about possibly living with them. The worst that could happen is they break up and move out. I want that room. I need to talk to Cesar. Ughhhh, my own room to do whatever I want in. Sleep undisturbed, masturbate, fuck, whatever. Sounds amazing.

OH and Slack Lining is my new favorite thing. Who knew tight rope walking could be so thrilling and spiritual? I fucking loved it.

k bye

Tati's birthday is today, happy birthday friend.

El Rio in my bed

i wake up to your sheet wrinkled face
i kiss the sleep away
and roll through the day
on a wave of entanglement:
crystal blues and freckles
butterflies and wet vaginas

But Karina is out of town and I woke up to a hangover today. Oh well. I'm going to have a beautiful day anyway. I'm pretty determined to.

hello kitty

When I was with Zane yesterday, I was looking at Dan and Kelli's bookshelf and a memory of my dad popped into my head without permission. Him reading Hemingway's The Winter of My Discontent to me. I also remembered him reading The Hobbit to me when I was really young. Another memory: him randomly coming home and giving me a really nice copy of The Little Princess. I guess we had a book thing, him and I. Books and writing, really. These are the only two things I can remember ever connecting us in a some tender way.

One christmas, I decided to put some thought into his gift. I was trying to be nice I guess. I went to boarders and read the back of about 20 science fiction novels. Something I remember hearing about my dad is that he started a novel of his own about these astronauts who come across life on a different planet. Anyway, that kind of stuck with me and that's why I ended up at boarders reading the backs of strange books. I picked one and wrapped it. He never read it. I remember coming home from somewhere and him reading one of the Harry Potter books. I guess the point is, I did try that one time.

I want to tell him he should read the book I got him and maybe that will inspire him to finish his novel. Maybe I'll tell him this when I'm ready to. Maybe we can re-connect over books or something. Here dad, read Full Frontal Feminism and I'll read one of yours. It seems like it could be a decent way to get to know the guy, and for him to get to know me b/c I have no fucking clue who he is outside of his anger. I know his anger better than anyone in the world, I'd like to know something better than that.

1 message recieved

I have to keep telling myself you're okay, you're really okay. Let go. Love yourself, it's what you want. Love Karina. Let her see how beautiful you are.

I have arrived.
I am home
In the here,
In the now.
I am solid.
I am free.
In the ultimate
I dwell.

nonverbal communication

soul moaning

hello i'm special

Adrian told me today, "You look better. Not that you looked bad before." It's true. I feel so much better about everything.

The black veil is lifting and light is rushing in. Thank you Earth for your guidance! I just needed to get out of my head for a day and just encompass myself in something profound and natural. I needed to stack rocks and challange myself with a long, rigorous hike. I needed old friends. I needed the redwoods and the ocean. I needed those deer, the whales, the snakes, the quail, the stink bugs, the tipi. And I really needed that river crossing... without that river crossing I wouldn't have realized just how over cutting I truly am.

Strangely, it seems I can only gain this kind of clarity and perspective during times of someone else's tragedy. It started with Sean and Andrea's break-up, but that wasn't quite enough to snap me out of it (and by 'it' I mean the wirlwind of black energy that I've been letting consume me for the past 6 months). Then Karina's friend... the Yang to the Yin of the weekend. That was enough.

I just need to remember these thoughts somehow. Maybe I can just appreciate it in the abstract. In a bird's wing or a breeze.. or something.

Now I need to figure out how to forgive the SpiritStomper. I think it's time I stop wasting so much engery on him.

really though

Karina is so cute.

your shortness is endearing

I was in class, listening to Rachel interrupt Patti for the 100th time when I got the feeling she was in a bad way. I know she went down South last week for spring break, she just seemed off today. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, but I needed to leave class early to finish my essay for my class that I have in 20 minutes. Anyway, I was thinking about Rachel when I realized I was having trouble breathing. It felt like a huge weight was on my chest. Then everything started to smell weird. I got up to leave, tripped over something and fell. Everyone laughed a bit... I just walked out. Still couldn't catch my breath and now I was shaking... although it could've been the caffeine or the fall/embarrassment. Whatever it was, it mostly dissolved with a warm shower. Strange feeling though.