eh

i'm hollowing
deep within the caves
carving up and out
get the fuck out!
get the fuck out...
i'm hollowing just to make room to breathe
to maybe free myself from this empty
from this broken
girl
rotting
in pools of broken empty
in swamps of bloody
in oceans of scream!
i'm hollowing so not to drown
in this
girl's
rot.
i'm hallowing into sun
into star
into somewhere so far away

a droopy mind for a droopy morning

I'm sitting here trying to start my paper for Patti's class, but of course I'm distracted and mentally all over the place. I feel like fireworks are going off in my head... some thoughts brighter than others, some kind of painful to look at, some thrilling and amazing. The first week we moved up here, we went to a 4th of July party in Noe Valley and throughout the night, I'd see fireworks and I loved that they weren't the fucking Disneyland fireworks I could see from my bedroom window at my parent's house every night at 9:35 pm in shapes of hearts and cubes and stars and mickey mouse ears. They were illegal fireworks probably purchased somewhere in China town, and they were just what I needed at that particular moment in time. They were exactly what I needed, it was almost spiritual, which is strange considering I'm talking about fireworks I know, but that's the only word to describe it really. It was a beautiful, quiet moment I had all to myself that I tucked inside my pocket and kept forever.

But now, Bailey, right now. How did my mind go there? How am I going to write this paper when my mind keeps wandering to and fro, lollygagging about in a continuous daydreaming state of bright colors and even brighter emotions? Stop thinking about fireworks, stop thinking about laundry, stop thinking about Bjork, stop thinking about how beautiful it is outside and how I wish Karina and I were at the beach falling asleep under a marvelous sun-drenched 60s flower print cotton sheet, our warm bodies entangled in the simplest of ways... stop thinking and write your goddamn paper.

fleeting my fox

I can't control time. I'm not in the now. I'm in the past, I'm in the future, I'm astro-projecting into the cosmos, I'm scuba diving on land, I'm falling into the abyss. I need more Zen in my life. I should start practicing again. I should do it for myself. There was a time in my life, I was very in the now. I got there through pain. It makes sense to me that happiness would throw me out of balance... all these transitions I'm going through-- OC to SF, straight to queer, single to in a relationship, sad to happy. I feel like I need a coming out party or something... some kind of ritual/ceremony to represent all this change in my life.

I've decided that even though I'm scared of getting hurt, I want this. It feels too right to not see it through, to not give her my heart.

damn the torpedoes full steam ahead!

Okay, so maybe I'm not falling in love, although it did feel like it at that particular moment in time... and don't forget the 4 saki bombs, bottle of red, and two cosmopolitans. All I really know is that I like her and I like that she's my first girlfriend. This doesn't need to get heavy, it really doesn't. Sex, smile, wine, trip, sex, sun-soaked cocoon blanket, snuggles, wet, Margaret Cho, sex me up but hold my hand... type of thing. Sounds good to me.

I can hear Gustavo and Estabon scurrying in the walls

It's so beautiful outside right now...

Jess, Ash, Liz, Karina, Tati, and I are going to have one of our ritual dinner sessions. I'm thinking about having some chicken. It's free range organic... and I can't think of a good enough reason not to indulge once in a while.

Plenty of plenty around today. In all forms. My heart is happy and my bones are smiling.

Can you get me off your mind?

So I ditched phonetics this fine, beautiful morning. I felt like laying in my sun soaked bed wrapped up in my blanket cocoon with the chill air circulating all around instead. It's blissful... Tegan and Sara playing in the background: "I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me and I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me...don't you worry, there's still time." True, to some degree.

I had a dream that Tati and I were stuck in an airport in a country where war had just broke out. We got separated, I was terrified. I told myself to wake up. Then I kissed Karina's forehead and felt better.

Infatuation is distracting when I have flashes throughout the day of her cute smile and her curly hair and her moan and her beautiful 1750s painting-esque naked body. Oh my my... Butterflies and wet vaginas. Hmmm... I could write a poem called that.

I'm calling my dad at 8:15 pm tomorrow. Let's hope the SpiritStomper doesn't come out.

your perfect verse is just a lie...

"Hey kiddo, haven't talked to you in a few months... hope everything is good... call me back if you get a chance, if you want." I don't want. I'm so tired of pretending. It's exhausting, and I would really like to, I don' know, actually express how I feel toward him for once? I want to tell him I have so much fucking anger that if I allow myself to think about it, the anger will manifest into river coming out of my eyes and I will start drowning. I don't have time for THAT. So instead, I'll say that everything is fine... doing well in school... work is good...

Maybe someday I'll refuse to keep the rouge going, but not today. I just hope he doesn't say 'I love you' at the end of the conversation... I might vomit.

learn something new everyday

For example: strap-ons are neat.

if you liked it, then you shoulda put a pickle on it

She makes my bed. I am falling into the abyss.

I am, I am, I am.

The SpiritStomper has been on my mind a lot lately. Every time something good happens, he creeps up in my head with his snarly face and barks.

Okay, I'm going to go get an impulsive eye brow piercing now. Why not? And then I'm going to study for my midterm on Wednesday.

Beware the Ides of March

My life for the past two years has been in a constant state of transition. It's impossible for anything to be permanent. I don't know why I really believed my last relationship would last forever, it just seems stupid now.

This move has been really good for me, even the year I spent in OC before I moved was really good for me... but I still don't know who I am and I seem to constantly forget my worth. I'm beginning to believe I'm okay... that I'm not going to crash and burn like he said I would. Like he still thinks I'm going to. He's in my head all the time and I'm that little girl running to the bathroom, my heart beating so fucking hard it closes off my larynx and I can't breathe and why was the bathroom the only door with a lock on it? But I'm okay. I hate when he calls me, even when he dials me accidently and hangs up on the second ring. It makes me forget I'm okay.

SF is beautiful even without the SpiritStomper not being here. This has nothing to do with him. In SF, the SpiritStomper is just a black balloon floating above the clouds and I can only see it if I look and focus on it. SF is mine. And I've been learning lots of neat things about myself. For example, I like to eat pussy. Who knew? Wrap your legs around my head and throw your neck back in bliss and I'm a happy woman. I'm a nerd, didn't know that either. I like learning about anatomy and neurology. From the little mitochondrian and nodes of ranvier to the complexites of the cerebellum and the pulmanary surfacant in the alveolar pits of the lungs. I like that I know that a brain freeze is really Sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia. I've learned that I'm only happy when I'm doing something that matters, that I have a thing for girls with red hair and freckles, that I can smoke insane amounts of weed and drink insane amounts of wine and beer and occasionally drop out on acid or shrooms and still keep a job, good grades, a clean room, and a sex/love life. SF has been really good for me.

Where was I going with all of this? Transitions...

Right now I feel like I'm on top of a forresty mountain looking down at something that looks beautiful and scary and intense. She said let's like kick back under a tree and smoke a bowl, that we don't have to dive in, but I know we already have.