Why am I so tired? I can feel the day dripping off me like hot wax, oscillating before it hits the ground. Everything is moving in slow motion. My eye lids feel like they weigh 2lbs each. My mind is slow and droopy--which I have to say, is kind of nice. Karina (and other thoughts not as lovely) keep moving through me like waves, I feel her in different parts of my body--which is also kind of nice. I'm about to float up to the top of campus right now. I'm charging my ipod so I have a soundtrack to this stupor I'm in. I'll probably float through the rest of today until I realize it's tomorrow. Like a bubble made of silicon, fuzzy from the inside, impenetrable from the outside. Don't try to get in, not today. Today I'm switched off.

mow

There's yellow post-its and black pens on my desk, looking like a bumble bees cacophony of studious dribbles. All I want to do is watch The Holy Mountain that Rachel let me borrow, and get high, of course. Stoney Stoney McStoney. But I shall study a bit more like a good little Bailey.

9am Neurolinguistics Final tomorrow-- shoot me in the head. I've been studying for 7 hrs straight and I still feel like failing is a possibility. How disconcerting. That's a good word: disconcerting.

dracula and buddha

the fear is setting in
i didn't want to get here
i don't think i can take
another fall.
vulnerability at its best
right now
right now i'm yours
i'm the world's
i'm his i'm hers
i'm an open target
to be taken out.
i didn't want to get here
but i am
totally
powerless
to
love.
i will be crushed by this
at some point
not tonight though
so let's drink to that

depends and car seats

I'm waiting for Rachel to come smoke a bowl with me. What should I be doing? Homework, of course.

I had a random moment of bliss today. It happened on the 17. These old ladies were so amazing. I don't want to share the details, it's impossible to put into words anyway.

"After my divorce, I traveled all over the world... and my daughter, she's never been out of the country til now. She's visiting her boyfriend in Chili. She felt bad for not being here for mother's day and I begged her to go. I told her that she better stick with this man b/c he'll show her the world."

"Let's hope that's all he shows her."

Haha. They were so alive, it was beautiful.

And the other day, I walking down Holloway and there was a little girl--like 8 or 9-- and she was sitting in the passenger seat of a car. I walked by and she was waving. I waved back and she got this huge smile on her face and started waving even bigger like she had been sitting there bored out of her mind, just waiting and wanting someone to wave back. I swear I smiled all the way home.

I love random moments of bliss.

something clever

It's 1:45am and I'm wide awake. I feel bad for typing while Karina and Jen are trying to sleep, but I feel like I would just be laying in my bed going crazy, wishing I were writing down everything I'd be thinking... and thus prolonging the sleep process even further into the morning.

I long to hold you in my arms
you're right there
i should:
snatch you up and hold you tight
this could be the last night
that our hearts align like this
but i am:
drowning in my own thoughts
secretly, of course.
thinking about the men that i hate
like i always do before my period.
i've been hurt so deeply by them though.
thinking about joe and tati
doing what i want to be doing
and how safe it is to feel safe.
thinking about drifting away
slowly into the night
up holloway
to the moon.
thinking about not wanting to think at all
thinking about your fingers
inside my four, screaming pink walls
fuck me til i can't think about anything at all
til my mind is fuzzy
and I laugh- as I inevitably will.
is that how you'll remember me in 42 years
when you're happily committed?
and how will i remember you?
will i hate you every time I PMS?
how many women will I date after you?
and how many of them will hurt
just as deeply as those men have?

finnleyism

I feel so raw right now. I wish I could write like Karen Finnely. Sometimes I feel so numb I think I'm dead. Pretending like this doesn't exist is only making it worse. There's this annoying and penetrating and sharp sadness in me. It's not going away. I'm beginning to think it's been there all along, and I contracted it from my mother when I was inside her belly. My father is an easy excuse, perhaps even a legit one... so is every bad thing that's ever happened in whole universe-- genocide, female circumcision, AIDS.

Same old song. Sing a new song birdy.

I feel like I'm self-sabotaging right now. Everything. Without my executive functioning's permission ie my pre-frontal lobe. Maybe if I drop out of school and get dumped and fired, I'll be able to sit in China, under a bodhi tree and write as well as Karen Finnely.

I was thinking during english class tonight several things:
1. Career paths: SLP, AuD, Marine Biologist, Dive Master, Art Teacher, Novella/Poet, Foster Parent, Drug Dealer, Healer, Psychic, mother. Maybe in that order.
2. What shape does anything abstract take?
3. "I could not stop for Death, so he kindly stopped for me"
4. I wish my name was Tiger Lily.
5. I've been a shit.
6. The American Vain: being poisoned by the White Man's sugar
7. I love her, I don't want her stomach to turn. I don't want it to turn...
8. Anal sex.
9. She's going to dump me tonight.
10. "What is an Indian?" A good time seeped in the tears of many ancestral culture-makers.

tequila and wine

Last night was silly.

ew

i
want
to
hibernate

traditional profile

Last month in this apartment is going to go by fast. I'm feeling good about the change. Finals first though, gotta get through finals. I don't know how my grades will look when the semester is over, but I'll be really pissed if I get any Cs.

Jen and Tati are moving back to OC... Tot just for the summer probably. Then Skeez will be here and a whole new adventure will begin. Kinda excited to live with Taren, I meet with the Landlady tomorrow and everything should fall into place pretty quickly. I've never been this broke before, but it's all good. I feel like it's worth it.

I guess I owe it to myself to finish out the semester well. I can do it. I have a lot to do tomorrow, but today is for fun. Karina and I laid around all morning doing cute strange things and sexy things. Then we watched Bad Education with Rachel, and now we're headed to Jess and Ashley's for dinner.

My mom thought that I wanted a sex change. I think that's pretty absurd of her to think, but it was funny.

Liz mind fucked me the other night. I don't know how to feel about it. I suck at feelings. All I know is that there's a strange new weirdness within me that she put there.